True Love is Toxic...and Finally Edited and in One Piece!

My Lucky Keds

Today I couldn't stop thinking about my past (and extremely limited) romantic life. I can't claim ten million boyfriends like Paris Hilton, or even a husband like my mom. I had a 'boy-friend' pre-middle school, but the worst we could manage in secret was holding hands then dropping the grip because of how sweaty they had become. If we really got ‘racy’, we'd even take a walk to the drinking fountain in the hall when no adults were around. I ‘remember’ going out forever, like five whole months (a real record breaker) then one night, the boy came to me and asked out of the relationship, I happily said yes. I was too stressed out what if we were caught? I might get spanked or my new book taken in punishment. No boy was worth that mess. 

Well, that was pre-middle school. A bygone era, I'm a different human now; all that remains is the same thick German nose and my curly brown mop of a hairstyle. I am a displaced, unprepared fool trying to navigate high school with nothing but an elementary school education on fleeting young romances. They say, "Nothing ever prepares you like working in the field.” All I can say is, ‘amen’. Falling into such a crush for me was like being dropped into a vat of toxic waste. A real eye-watering experience if you ask me.
I was given the chance to go far away the summer of my seventeenth year, all by myself. So after kissing my family goodbye, giving my plane ticket to a large, black woman somehow managing to look dazzling in a airport uniform, and skipping down the lines in my lucky purple Keds, I pulled my lumpy green luggage down the way and eagerly awaited my plane. My adventure (in my current state of mind) had nothing to do with true love, or finding it for that matter. But even in my pseudo runaway-state of mind, I couldn't help but notice the cowboys when my plane landed in Dallas. I had an hour to scurry around the airport to pass the time. I found my waiting area and plopped down and chowed into a ridiculously-end-of-the-world-priced vegan turkey club and a gallon of icy water (which was a mix-up at the Shoppe I'd bought it from, and another story involving a delusional Armenian with cute earrings.) when....I finally was able to view the people about to fly into the tiny Colorado Springs Airport (my final destination). I figured the majority of the tanned teens to be going to the same place as me. A small mountain hotel and hidden tourist gem with ice cream shoppes galore, I knew I was going to love it here.
True love sometimes strikes like a tiger, snatching a small baby deer with its teeth and ripping its head off. Yes, I have come to the truthful conviction that love, is a violent action with teeth, quite capable of gorging.  Love hit me slowly. I just felt like using that frank metaphor even though it has zip to do with my own experience. But if quick love is all that terrible, slow love is like peeling a band aid off of a festering wound after three days in the heat; much worse than a two second death. Love was like that. Only for me, it left an infection and other costly complications. Thankfully no amputation was needed and I recovered to my present state of madness.

On with the darn story you shout. Okay, okay, okay.

I had settled into my room, met my adorable, wilderness-loving roommate whose name was Angela, and I couldn't help but drool out my 19th century window at the mountains and the beautiful little swirls covering them that I assumed to be trails and small roads. A good setting for a story, I probably thought as I walked down the thousands of stairs to the old dining room straight out of Bonanza. I ate something delicious that I cannot remember for the life of me, listened to a boy play the piano better than anyone I'd ever heard live and silver clattering and glasses sloshing. The sun was setting and unlike the weather back home, it was cool enough to don a jacket.

Dinner was over and we (the students) met in the 'classroom' for an introduction and our directions for our next two weeks. I met my classroom mates, including the imaginary person to my left (I sat on an edge and so I only had a right seat buddy) whom I fondly renamed twenty million times in the days that followed. The sweet guy who sat behind me had a silly laugh that was extremely contagious, and the young man who sat at my right, a lanky, early-morning riser claimed he flew a Cessna in his spare time. I was happy just to be there; the people at that time, a bonus.  I had met several at the airports and had even sat next to a cute long-legged swimmer from up North (very nice, and he made quite an excellent body guard) and wasn’t at all disappointed with the great personalities of the teens around me.
The students were piling in, laughing and looking not at all jet-lagged. I was immersed in a people watching parade and then suddenly, as the bell rang one last time as a warning, “it” happened.  “It” being the event that would surely have a domino effect on my mind and cause me to fall into some real live love. A frail girl with short little legs had tripped and fallen straight on her face in the aisle. I gasped and jumped up to help her, only someone else had gotten to her. A very tan young man with a white smile was helping her to her feet, he set her in her chair and bent back down to gather her things. He smiled at her (in a strictly non-flirtatious way) and walked to his own seat in the row next over. I smiled his direction and hoped for a glance in my direction. Lady Luck was on my side; the handsome gent smiled my way and sat down. During the talk given by the camp staff, he gave a tissue to the geek blowing his nose behind him, a pencil to the pretty girl sitting beside him, and thoughtfully watched and listened. He didn’t text a single message, didn’t become distracted. I found this very, very attractive.

They (those overly-wise, probably dead old quote-maker-uppers) used to say, "When you meet the woman of your dreams, time stands still." and for some this is probably true. For the majority of the universe, a real connection is usually made through conversation. People have to talk to fall in love, I believe. You may casually glance at some wandering passerby and drool, but what is drool to love? For me, I view a man's possibilities in the way he writes and his focus during a face to face conversation. His eyes have to be stuck; no meandering around for goodness sakes! So when Mr. Kind finally unglued himself from the cute acts of the staff at the hotel (they were explaining the rules through skits) he began to look around again.

I let my left eye wander, and my right was keeping careful observance of the Cessna Dude who was happily scribbling a smiley face on my right hand. Mr. Kind was looking STRAIGHT at me. Both eyes shot forward, my face turned rose and I screwed up Mr. Flying Artist's face when my hand shot forward and clutched my pen. My breathing sped up so much, the nice guy behind me leaned forward, and inquired if I was having a mild heart attack. I assured him I was fine, as fine as a soon-to-be-married girl can be, I guess.

Now, you may be laughing at me right this very moment. I am too. Now. Then it was like one of those old black and white films that occasionally get stuck in the middle of a crazy passionate kissing scene. I couldn’t move an inch. The tanned Mr. Kind smiled at me as I looked back a second time and I quickly realized, he'd been looking my way the entire length of my wannabe-heart attack. He turned his head and began listening to the speaker again. I continued to stare. My mama used to say staring was rude and I shouldn't even think about doing it. My mama also almost named me after Luke Skywalker (1. Had I been a boy and 2. Don't bring this up when she's around, she'll just ardently deny it 3. And promise you that it was after my Grandfather). The moral of this small story is to listen to parents. Listen to parents and love them, even when they barely escape naming you after a Star Wars Character. My staring wasn't an act of rebellion, but an act of an uncontrolled neck twitch which I have recently acquired. A very unfortunate circumstance that was thankfully quick to mend.

Then it clicked like a pair of scissors coming together. Two WHOLE weeks. I had two whole weeks to find out where this guy was from, what he wanted to do for his life's career, when he wanted to set the wedding date, our kid's names, whether or not his mother liked hopelessly sappy romantic writers who eat raw bananas and mint leaves for fun? I suddenly felt blessed, and I realized the speaker had finished talking several minutes ago and I was almost the last student sitting in the classroom. I frantically searched but to no avail; my happy little boy person was gone.

"Hello, where are you from?" I snapped my attention to the voice in front of me. Nothing but green. I looked up. Still nothing but green. A little higher and bingo, I finally could talk. 

"Missouri-The Show-Me State where we really have nothing that great to show...." I'm not exaggerating; the guy was ten feet tall and had the look of a bandit. His green shirt was the length of the Amazon River stretched out and pinned, like a dead beetle on a Science board. Oh, double metaphor; sweet.

We chatted and suddenly the bell rang and Mr. Towering Bandit (who had undoubtedly grown another foot during our conversation) ran off. He hadn't been the deep conversation type; in fact, he seemed so anxious to go rob a hemp store or some unfortunate business.

I picked up my pen bag and fluffed my seat cushion and walked slowly towards my wing of the hotel. My mind completely stuck on Mr. Kind and how nicely he had reached out to help the poor frail girl (okay, I was slightly concerned that the young man I had just talked to was not of strong moral character....) and I was looking down at my toes, they seemed very uncomfortable in my Keds and in need of some oxygen and maybe even a glass of water. Poor dears, I was thinking as I walked into a brick wall. I, of course, stepped back and raised my face. The brick wall was Mr. Kindness; in front of me, smiling this ridiculously goofy smile (chiseled chin and all) and opening his mouth to speak.

Now imagine an American high school boy who is always slumping and suddenly his fiercest and most terrifying teacher leaps in front of him. What happens? Well his spine cracks as he straightens up at the speed of lightning. A very unattractive noise and a slightly embarrassing action. I'm not sugar-coating my story, so in truth, I did just that. I composed myself as quickly as I could without dying and smiled a half-smile (I couldn't seem toooo eager). 

"Why hello, I'm A-"

"Nice to meet you!" I jumbled into the conversation, cutting him off. He smiled a little deeper. We started to chat, my nervousness wore off and I could talk with utter ease. He was so nice and his eyes were glued on mine, he was the poster child for my theories on love. Forget his looks, the boy could talk intelligently. Okay, let’s not forget his handsome, rugged looks. He informed that he was from California and I automatically assumed him to be :(1) a surfer, (2) wealthy beyond all reason, and (3) probably a heathen...but none-the-less, very attractive heathen. He said goodnight as the warning bell rang, and he turned and walked up the stairs.

After sloppily wandering up to the fourth floor of the old hotel to my room, I dropped into bed and lay staring up at the bottom of the bed (please, do not be confused; the bottom of the bunk bed above mine) and noticed scribbling from all the fallen girls before me who had apparently slept in this very place. I found the words haunting and utterly romantic, being carved or written in permanent marker; especially the ones that followed.

I love you Jake with all my heart
I love you James with all my soul
Redheads are beautiful people
Mike Adams is cool (Yes, this one seemed out of place)
I (heart) Thomas and George
www.savethestorks.com  
I (heart) mancakes and Thor
I (heart) Reese with all my (heart) and I hope we will be married (heart)
Ronald Reagan rocks my sox

But what confused me the most was You are all mine Mary! Either it was the fact that a boy had also slept here (ew), or the fact that he was creepily saying, "YOU ARE ALL MINE."....or the creepy fact that it could have been a girl….disturbing the words you find written under beds. I began to think as only I can think; I wonder if my Mr. Dreamboat is writing to me from under his bed. I imagined such doodles as, I love you my beautiful, quirky, slightly confused about life, girl-I-met-five-minutes-ago and I hope we will be married and get matching tattoos. Talk about the man for me.

I tried to sleep but I couldn't; this guy was just amazing. My mind began to skip ahead; what about the fact that he was obviously from far away and I was from far away (but far away from another direction), and the fact that I wasn't exactly of the legal age to be married.  People say that long distance relationships are shots in the dark because they never work and you always end up fantasizing about him/her; making them out to be some amazingly   cool/beautiful/intelligent/angelic being. I think that theory is preposterous and should be evaluated with a truckload of salt. This would never happen between myself and Mister Kindness; our relationship was simply too sound.

Finally, my mind was so full of ideas, dreams, and mostly estrogen that I felt like a brown paper bag. At two in the morning, a love sick girl who is so terribly in love that she feels like a brown paper bag, can do naught but sleep a restless, toss full sleep. Of course I dreamed about 'My Guy' and the dream may or may not have involved a sky blue convertible with the top down and lots of xoxoxoxoxoxoxo. Strictly girl stuff and all, nothing guys would like; apparently perfect rot to them. I woke up and smelled bacon frying and literally leaped from my bed, over my roommate, brushed my teeth, straightened my hair, and dappled with some makeup all in less than thirty seconds. Rushed downstairs, holding my breath and ready to basically spring myself upon Mr. Kinds and maybe fake a good faint (so he could catch me)......as I rounded the corner my heart stopped beating.

Mr. Kindly was sitting outside on the deck, shirtless, laughing with some other guys and flipping through his Bible. I glanced in the mirror and surveyed my appearance; my nose looked smaller, my hair wasn't killing anyone, my eyes actually looked pretty and my nails were clean. Time to go in for the killing. I poked my head out the door and smiled a toothy smile (not the best thing to do so early in the morning) and tried to start breathing again.
The plan was to walk out, say ‘good morning’ and then start to walk back inside, at which point I would then faint.

Apparently when that strange ware wolfish dude in Twilight took off his shirt in the movies, the first reaction was as follows:
"He's SOOOO hot."
"He's MINE!"
"MARRRRY me! Now!"

And a general screeching and yelling that caused massive headaches for miles. When I saw a slightly-clothed, Mr. Kind sitting in the morning sun, flexing naturally just to breathe.....my ability to think, breath, or reason shrunk from all reason. But I didn't cause massive chaos or scream "He's SOOOO hot." At least not aloud.... He was too much and I was just too in love and I still had thirteen whole days with my tanned, kindly guy. I wasvery excited, maybe a bit too excited, because as I 'casually' walked outside towards him, I found myself on top of him. I was stammering apologies, murmuring something about a demon cat and a sudden gust of unexpected wind. He smiled ridiculously much and helped me up and said he wasn't in the least, injured.

Suddenly a cute voice chirped delightfully, “Aaaaron baby...." I think I made a noise between a tortoise being stuffed and an armadillo being scraped across icy pavement. My little heart started to sputter, like am out-of-gear stickshift on an incline. Then I saw Her. My heart broke, my mind slightly snapped, and….

"Yeah Babe?" he said looking away from me and towards the steps. A beautiful girl, thin like a piece of chalk, hair fluttering about in her face, catching on her lip gloss like a spider web on sweaty skin. She was wearing a silly pink get up with the words 'PINK' plastered across her shapely rear. I frowned and lifted a bushman eyebrow higher than humanly possibly, listening to the conversation playing out before me.

"Are you ready to go, Honey Pie?" she sung.

"Just coming, my Foxy Lady," and he turned back to me and said, "See ya later, kid."

I’m not usually the type to strike people, or make their noses bleed or pluck out their eyeballs. Usually being the key word here in this instance my eyes went black, my nose turned into a witchy spiral, my fingernails grew several inches and I pounced on Mr. Kindly. The girlfriend ran screaming towards her cute little pink Porsche, and Mr. Evil Aaron lay gasping for breath on the ground. I simply turned and walked inside, following my nose towards the crispy smell of breakfast bacon. As I walked away, the very tall bandit man suddenly appeared and offered me his arm, which seemed to be the length of Route 66. Not all was lost.

 The Moral of THIS story: ALWAYS eat bacon. It just makes everything better.